STEPHEN TOMPKINS

I study sketch writing at the upright citizens Brigade theater in New York city. Twitter: @stphntmpkns

The jive ump

Nation On Same Netflix Account

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns

Washington—  According to an official statement released by Netflix Wednesday morning, everyone in the continental United States is officially sharing one Netflix account.

"What started off as Jeff, and Margaret Taylor in Memphis, TN, sharing their subscription information with each other, quickly snowballed into an entire county. Then an entire state. Then an entire region," Netflix, CEO Reed Hastings said watching the companies stock plummet to nothing on his cellphone. "I knew I shouldn’t have made it so easy for people to share an account, but I trusted my pals. Looks like that came back to bite me in the buns big time!"

Adding “How the heck am I supposed to tell my family our time share in Tahiti is gone, all because daddy made a bit of a whoopsie?”

At press time, a riot was sweeping the nation as no one could decide whether to watch Orange is the New Black or a Ken Burns documentary.

Lowe’s Security Guard Would Take A Bullet For The Plants

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns

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Orlando— Several witnesses are confirming that Lowe’s garden security guard new hire Gregory Nisibaum 39, was overheard stating that he would have ‘absolutely no problem taking a bullet to protect every plant in the store’s green room’— during a job interview with the store’s hiring staff Wednesday morning.

"Nothing would make me happier than protecting your plants with my life, and you can rest easy knowing that your Petunias will be safe in my hands at the end of each day," Nisibaum said while signing off on a waiver which specifically states that the plant’s lives come before his own. "Wherever the bullets go, rest assured, that’s where I’ll be."

"I vow to treat each and every plant in the green room as if they are my own, and it would be my honor to die knowing that I saved young cacti, poinsettias, and sunflower comrades from the harm of a crazed maniac."

At press time Nisibaum was overheard mentioning that the garden hoses, and lawn gnomes could expect the same kind of loyalty out of him, too.

Teacher Always Dreamed Of Teaching Future Fuckups

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns

Bloomington— Stating that studying late into the night while working a full-time job to put himself through college was the icing on the cake, local 12th grade English teacher Daniel Springs admitted Wednesday that it was always his childhood dream to teach young minds, who would go on to achieve nothing one day.

"I always dreamed that I would have the privilege to teach a classroom full of students who were more occupied with Instagram, and Angry Birds then developing the knowledge necessary to succeed in life," Springs 41 said outside of his home, admitting that the countless hours he dedicates to developing fun and interesting lesson plans would be a total waste if anyone actually paid any attention to them. "When I look out to the teenagers in my classroom, and see a room full of blank stares, I know that I’m achieving my life’s goal."

Adding “If any of the students I ever taught went on to college, let alone expressed the ambition to do so, I would probably have to retire from teaching immediately.”

At press time Springs conveyed a longing for summer vacation to be over, so he could return to the very classroom, and start over teaching a room full of new faces “who could give a shit.”

10 Foods To Have Sex With Before You Die

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns

The food pyramid just got a whole lot sexier…

10. Tacos- Lets face it, tacos make a great sexual partner.

9. Pancakes- Syrup + pubic hair= heaven

8. Club Sandwich- Let’s just say the mile high club isn’t the COOLEST club anymore.

7. Bowl of Cereal- Morning sex anyone?

6. Strawberries- 1 is too many, and a millions not enough.

5. Jalapeno Peppers- Very hot sex. Also try Jalepeno poppers.

4. General Tso’s- A twist on Chinese takeout.

3. A Bag of Chips- Let the chip dust fly!

2. Soup- Nothing like sex with piping hot bisque.

1. Coffee- You know the saying “I like my women like I like my coffee?” Well, let’s just say, I like my coffee like I like my coffee ;)

Nation Due For A-List Celebrity To Mourn

By Stephen Tompkins

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Hollywood— Stating that anyone regularly featured on TMZ or the E! Channel news “would be fine” Americans gathered at a press conference Wednesday morning in the Hollywood hills to discuss it’s due for an A-List celebrity to mourn.

Stressing that the drought in celebrity deaths has severely affected the content of their daily gossip blogs, and celebrity-focused magazine subscriptions.

"At this point it’s been about four months since we mourned Philip Seymour Hoffman, and while that was a real fuckin’ doozy, I still think we’re ready for another," Rachel Blazer a 29-year-old gossip blogger from Brooklyn said to a nation who hasn’t seen a celebrity death trending on Twitter for nearly 120 days. "When a celeb dies, social media lights up like wildfire with love and adoration for them, and I that’s what we all need right now. Plus my blog will get lots of hits that day!"

Adding “Anyone from Matthew Mcconaughey, to Simon Cowell would suffice at this point.”

At press time the nation was overheard discussing if it would even be worth watching the Oscar’s next year if the “In Memoriam” portion wasn’t going to be updated “something major” in the coming weeks.

Jury To Murder Suspect “Try Harder”

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns

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Denver— Admitting that it was as if he “didn’t even give a shit,” members of the jury in the trial against Leonard Melvin were heard telling the suspect to “try harder,” after the man, on trial for murder, went into vague, and often meandering detail about the night of the crime, and didn’t seem particularly adamant about proving his innocence. 

"There’s four expert witnesses, they have your fingerprints in blood, and you were overheard asking your friends if it was ‘hard to get away with murder’ 15 minutes before the crime was committed," jury member Brenda Walsh 56, said likening Melvin’s testimony to a student coming unprepared to give a book report in elementary school. 

 ”And then you have the audacity to sit here and tell us you were playing Crash Bandicoot with your cousin Pyrosnake in Tahiti when the crimes were committed? Meanwhile, I’m missing casual Friday at work to sit through this bullshit? Nuh-uh, no no!” 

Adding “It’s like his apathy is begging us to give him life in prison without the chance of parole.”

At press time Melvin was overheard asking the jury to ignore the part of the trial when he asked if anyone would be able to retrieve his Swiss army knife from the scene of the crime.

Giraffe Not Sucking Own Dick

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns

San Diego— Several witnesses at the San Diego Zoo giraffe exhibit are confirming that none of the three male giraffes was seen sucking their own respective dicks Thursday morning— despite the fact that they would be able to accomplish the task with 100% absolute certainty.

Onlookers watched as the animals waived going down on themselves, and just “stood around doing other stuff.”

"Look it’s not like I’m into seeing that sort of thing, I’m not a weirdo," Dale Bilboss 43, said of witnessing the giraffe forego performing auto-fellatio on itself, instead opting to eat leaves from a tree. "All’s I’m saying is if my neck was that long, I wouldn’t not be sucking my dick right now."

Other spectators saw the giraffes not blowing themselves as a fuck you to God and all of nature.

"It’s like going to see Michael Jordan play basketball, but he just stands around with his arms crossed talking to people," Glenn Fitzgerald 51, said while angrily looking at the exhibit. "Here it’s been my personal goal my entire life to be able to suck my own penis, and this giraffe is sitting here with a God-given long neck and an all access pass to orally pleasure itself. That’s a big fuck you to God, and every male here at the zoo today."

At press time several spectators were overheard gasping when it looked like one of the male giraffes was going to blow itself once and for all, but was actually just licking a fly off of it’s inner thigh.

Couple Can Really See Themselves Getting Divorced Here

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns

New Hampshire— During a viewing of a 4 bedroom home on a quiet street in suburban Manchester, local couple Matthew Desantz 31 and his new bride Gwen 28 stated that they could “100% without a doubt” see themselves finalizing a divorce within the confines of the home someday.

Stating that the picturesque model home would cater perfectly to every life altering moment they would inevitably face when it comes time to separate for good and start dating other people.

"I can totally see myself screaming at Matthew and throwing his belongings onto the front lawn from the window on the second floor in the early stages of our separation ," Gwen Desantz said of her future plans to divorce her high school sweetheart she married 61 days earlier. "And when we have kids the nursery will be right next to our bedroom, so the child will be raised on the sounds of us insulting each other nightly."

"Not to mention, this place also has two bathrooms, so there won’t be any of that that awkward tension when the new guy I’m fucking is brushing his teeth and getting ready for work in the morning. They probably won’t even see each other."

Noting that the close proximity to other homes in the area would also allow for neighbors to hear intimate details of the ongoings of the divorce, and surely spread gossip through the neighborhood like wildfire.

"We’re surrounded by houses on every side, and these walls are paper thin, so I fully expect the neighbors to hear me complaining about how sexually frustrated I am, and how Matthew doesn’t even tell me he loves me anymore," Gwen said. "I can’t wait to hear all of the rumors my neighbors spread about us some day!"

At press time the couple was seen scouting restaurants, and grocery stores where they would be able to bring their divorce further into the public eye.