I’m writing and illustrating two comics. This is one of them
Vanity Plates and What They Say About You IV: Celebrity edition
I knew that if I did this vanity plate shit long enough, I’d eventually get some celeb sightings. And fuck if I was right. I mean come on, this time around I’ve got some of comedy’s greatest actors of past and present, and a fucking classic cartoon.
Vanity plate: HRDWKER
Celebrity: John C Reilly
What it means: Hard walker. I refuse to see anything, but hardwalker.
Vanity plate:MINIMI
Celebrity: Verne Troyer/Mike Meyers
What it means: Its fucking Mini Me (Verne Troyer). Sure, he hasn’t done anything since he pissed on a wall in the wheelchair on Celebrity Rehab-whatever, like six years ago, but believe you me, that dude is kickin’ it drivin’ this mini cooper. *Sidenote he opened his door and peed in public shortly after this photo was taken.
Vanity plate:
Celebrity: Mike Meyers
What it means: Come on! Really? Twice in the same week? Its the fucking love guru himself, Mike Meyers.
Vanity plate:DUGS GR8
Celebrity: Doug Funnie
What it means: There’s a fucking cartoon character driving this jeep. I had to verify it for the fans (mostly myself), and it really was him. Can’t believe it! I lived every ’90s kid’s dream, and saw Doug in person. I’m keeping the photo of him to myself.
Show me an action film without a dude wearing a duster and a pistol on the cover, and I’ll show you where Steven Seagal performs witchcraft
— Stephen Tompkins (@stphntmpkns) May 12, 2013
Thing Snakes Can’t Do! VI
Lumpy the school snake!
1. Have sideburns
2. Block a punch
3. Chin-ups
4. Open a jar of anything for you
5. YMCA
6. Sweep/rake
7. Perform surgery
8. Cross-eyes
9. Umpire a baseball game
10. Look down
Acquire the Fire
If Abe Lincoln lived to be 87 and gave the 4 score and 7 years ago speech at his birthday party people would be all “heard this one before.”
— Stephen Tompkins (@stphntmpkns) April 27, 2013
Vanity Plates and What They Say About You III
“Its been a while.” -Staind. since I’ve written anything on Tumblr. I’ve been writing a new webseries that is beginning to shoot in the coming weeks, and have been neglecting this blog out of sheer laziness.
Here’s some vanity plates I’ve seen lately.
Vanity plate: NO MUN E
What it says about you: I’m the kind of person that has food stamps and goes to Wal-Mart and buys fun size Snickers bars for my kids breakfasts, and spend what money I do have on shitty vanity plates. Also, I’m not worth robbing, I mean lets be real I’m driving a Buick. (NOTE: I don’t know if this a Buick, but for the sake of this blog, its a Buick.)
Vanity Plate: 7 BILION
What it says about you: 7 bi-sexual lions? I’m worth $7 Billion? I drive a BMW, and have $7 billion, but I can’t afford to wash my car? I work at Banana Republic, so, technically I’m a yuppie?!? Okay, okay, I have 7 billion unread emails.
Vanity plate: MADBBY
What it says about you: Holy shit! I’m an infant and I’m driving a fucking car!
Vanity Plate: BE HOLY
Frame: NO WORRIES GOD’S GOT IT COVERED
What it says about you: The license plate is pretty straight forward, but the frame says, instead of commercials with talking geckos, or semi-attractive pale women, God’s insurance allows you to do whatever the fuck you want, so long as you go praise him and whatever on Sundays, and worship him when he’s moody. And to answer the question you’ve been asking your whole life, God is Australian, and works at Outback Steakhouse. G’day mate!
Vanity Plate: COP WIFE
What it says about you: Shh, let me tell you a secret! My husband is actually the manager of Foot Locker. This is just a decoy so no one pulls me over. I do have an FOP card, though, ‘cuz I made out with a cop on St. Patrick’s day.
Someone is violently shooting at my feet RT @mcdonalds #IDanceWhen I find a few French Fries left at the bottom of the bag
— Stephen Tompkins (@stphntmpkns) April 12, 2013
Things Snakes Can’t Do! V
Pro athlete Glenn Hubbard and a snake!
1. YMCA
2. Not look like a lower case L
3. Wear shoes
4. Surrender
5. Get neck pain
6. Pick up the telephone
7. Headbang
8. Tuck themselves in
9. Jumping Jacks
10. Roll snake eyes
Vanity Plates and What They Say About You Part II
* First of all, if you haven’t read my first installment of Vanity Plates and What they Say About You, you can read Part I by clicking the link. Also, I’ve been getting some submissions from friends that see funny vanity plates and text them to me, and I really appreciate it. If you see one and are able to take a picture and send them in to me, I’d be happy to include them on the blog, so long as I have time. Don’t take pictures while you’re driving or whatever though, because I don’t want a lawsuit against me when you crash your car taking a picture of a dodge neon on the freeway. Send all submissions to : Stphntmpkns (at) gmail.com
Two vanity plates that were sent to me are included in part II.
Submitted by my friend Greg
Vanity Plate: DONT HA8 Bonus: LOL PEWPIE (in dirt)
What it says about you: Telling people not to hate is 1. for some reason the most common vanity plate I see. 2. suggesting that you are of note or that people should have reason to hate you, like you’re a celebrity or something. And judging by the cleanliness of your car, and the fact that it says “LOL Pewpie,” in dirt on the back of your car, I’d say maybe you should save money on a vanity plate, and spring for a car wash.
Submitted by my friend Sarah
Vanity Plate: Yeah Man
What it says about you: You’re a hippie? You’re Cheech and Chong? You think we’re “The Man” and we’re out to get you? Or is it like, “yeah, man, for sure. I’ll be there at noon,”? This is the reason people hate text messaging, because I don’t know the tone and cadence of your voice. Or maybe you’re a genius, and thought ahead about every question someone would ask you, and you just knew that you’d say yeah to it.
Vanity Plate: CU ON MRZ
What it says about you: You guys! I had no idea that when I was eating a burrito in my car, that I was parked behind the first man who was going to land on Mars, and that his space ship was a fucking Pontiac! He must be like the world’s most humble astronaut, but at least he’s going to see us there. Fuck Earth, CU THR DUD!
Vanity Plate: 2 LIL KIM
What it says about you: I’m LIL Kim, a multimillionaire rapper, but my friends know I’m not too flashy, so they got me this Ford Edge to drive around Ohio. I know, weird, right? But yeah, if you like need me to do a guest spot on your mixtape, or like just wanna hang out with me and other millionaires, just look out for my license plate that my dumb fucking friends bought me when they decided I don’t like privacy anymore.
Vanity plate: WHY HATE
What it says about you: Like I said, there is an endless supply of Dont Hate, Why hate, etc etc, vanity plates out there. Every time I see one I just picture idiots in Times Square buying those dumb neon shirts that said Hi Hater, Bye Hater on them. Apparently the solution to all of this is that no one is hating. You’re all too worried that everyone else is hating, but they’re not, because they’re all worried about you hating. So, don’t not hate. I’d say just don’t buy the dumb fucking vanity pL8!
