Stephen Tompkins @stphntmpkns
Knoxville-- Sources are confirming that local buffoon Jake Marosky, 33, was seen paying top dollar for an airline ticket at McGhee Tyson Airport early Sunday morning— wherein a complete stranger will bring him 23,000 feet into the air, reaching speeds in excess of 450 MPH, for six hours— even though he has never spoken to, or laid his eyes on the man doing so.
Marosky is also said to have paid an extra $150 to sit in close proximity to other strangers deemed “first class,” and will be given a wool blanket, watch Transformers 2, and be treated to complimentary bags of peanuts, and tuna fish sandwiches— all in an effort to distract him from remembering that someone he has never met is propelling him through clouds at unthinkable speeds.
"I don’t think he realizes how ridiculous it is, I mean, he’s going to be in the clouds. There’s lightning up there!," Lyle Johnson said after witnessing Marosky purchase the plane ticket in complete confidence of a pilot, who by all means is subject to fatigue, leg cramps, and accidental slip-ups like everyone else.
"I just don’t see the benefit of getting to Tahiti that fast!" he added.
Sources have confirmed that in an act of complete idiocy, Marosky was overheard telling a fellow passenger that he plans to make the trip home via the same method later this week.