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Twitter: @stphntmpkns

Man Hasn’t Read Book Since Seventh Grade

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns

Charleston— During a conversation with friends at lunch Wednesday afternoon local 31-year-old man Ralph Mauer divulged that he hadn’t read a book since reading The Outsiders for Mrs. Peterson’s 7th grade English class in 1998— noting that he “doesn’t really give a fuck.”

"I don’t read, but that book was pretty cool I guess. I liked how Johnny cut Pony boy’s hair with a knife, and how Soda Pop and Pony Boy have names that are weird," Mauer said focusing on insignificant pieces of information about The Outsiders, like the number of times a football is thrown between fights, and the "pretty good" soundtrack to the movie.

"And it was pretty cool how they got: Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe, Tom Cruise, Emilio Estevez, Diane Lane, C. Thomas Howell, Matt Dillon, Leif Garrett Ralph Macchio, and a bunch of other people to be in the book, too" Mauer said recalling fond memories of his relationship to the book while on break from work as a gas station attendant down the road from his middle school.

"Wasn’t that around the same time Karate Kid came out? Karate Kid must’ve been so busy at that time. I hope his family didn’t mind," Mauer added.

At press time Mauer disclosed that after doing further research, he remembered that he was actually suspended from school when his class read The Outsiders and opted to watch a bootleg copy of the movie his cousin gave him instead.

Shitty Stepson Learns ‘Crazy Train’ On Guitar

New York— Several sources at the 14th St. Guitar Center location are confirming that local man Roddy Michaels shitty 14-year-old stepson, Ricky has officially learned a sloppy and meandering version of the intro to Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train,” on guitar.

A number of Guitar Center employees stood with their fingers plugging their ears Saturday afternoon as the offspring of a failed marriage confidently marched into the music equipment store, picked up a Flying V, and called upon his friends to gather around, and immediately launched into his version of the classic riff made popular by Randy Rhoads in 1980. All the while making eye contact with everyone in the store.

"He’s not the first kid to do this today, and he definitely won’t be the last," Guitar Center shift manager Chuck Ripken said. "Kids get the tab off the internet, play it once or twice at home and then rush over here to show everyone their mediocre talent."

"These kids think they’re such hot shit! I get it, it’s a catchy riff, but for fucks sake, learn another god damn song! I never hear anyone playing Stevie Ray Vaughn riffs," he added.

Other employees are confirming that as Ricky’s version of “Crazy Train,” came to an end, a faint version of the intro to “Stairway To Heaven,” could be heard coming from the acoustic section of the store, and Ripken just about lost his shit!

15 Things Only 20-Somethings Will Understand

Stephen Tompkins           @stphntmpkns

15. Excruciating back pain

14. Cashing social security checks

13. Having to walk uphill both ways to school

12. Osteoporosis

11. Smelling like moth balls

10. Not remembering your childhood

9. Being a bad driver

8. Poor vision

7. Retiring

6. Spoiling your grandchildren

5. Not being able to hear people.

4. Waking up at 4:30AM

3. Remembering to take your dentures out at night.

2. Remembering to put your dentures in in the morning.

1. Kicking young whippersnappers off your front lawn!

Man Takes Break From Stalking Woman To Eat Pizza

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns

Boston— Several witnesses are confirming that 34-year-old local stalker William Hollins took a break from stalking women, and was seen entering the fast food chain Pizza Hut to sit down, have a meal, and focus on other things in his life that don’t involve following innocent women around the city.

"He was easily stalking me for the past four hours," local 27-year-old systems analyst Rebecca Hartford said of Hollins, whose antics have become a regular part of most Saturdays for her. "He’s been stalking me for long enough now that I know to just walk down a street with a bunch of fast food chain options on it, and he’ll usually go in to eat, and leave me alone after that."

"I’ve led him to this Pizza Hut maybe 20 times this year. They should give me a gift card, or put me in a commercial or something," she added. 

Other sources are confirming that once inside the Pizza Hut, Hollins general demeanor switched from disgruntled and creepy, to pleasant and kind. 

"I see him following girls around all the time, and he’s always got this super creepy look on his face," Tony Franklin manager of the Pizza Hut said of Hollins. "But when he came in here he was nice, and charming. It’s weird to think someone like that could leave here and just follow women everywhere they go unwarranted."

At press time Hollins was last seen passing on following a woman wearing a short skirt to have dessert at the Cheesecake Factory.

Whacking Goons Just Another Part Of Saturday For Hitman

Stephen Tompkins           @stphntmpkns

Newark— Following the “whacking of a couple goons” in an abandoned parking lot just outside of Newark Airport in the wee hours of Saturday morning, local hitman Joey Vito, 35, admitted that this was just a normal beginning to any day for him, and he would likely have to “off” several more people before his shift was over.

"I stay up all night, my boss give me a call, say ‘eh, their’s some goons gonna get us caught up with the wrong people, and I ain’t havin’ that. Chop they heads off,’" Vito said of a regular call he gets in the middle of most nights to go kill people who wronged the New York mob in one way or another,

"It’s a good job, ya know. They let me pick the way I kill these goons, so I like to mix it up. You got your classic shoot him in the head stick ‘em in an oil drum, then dump ‘em in the Hudson, then you got your sneak up on ‘em hit ‘em with a crowbar 190 times. Then you got your wait in the back of their car and suffocate ‘em when they get in. But then there’s my favorite, and that’s just riggin’ the car up with explosives and watchin’ the thing go boom! Gets me every time," Vito added, admitting that he gets great joy out of his job of murdering people.

When we last spoke with Vito he stated that he was going home to spend a little quality time with his daughters before he gets to go to Queens to rig a couple punks cars with explosives.

This is why you don’t do headstands in wet cement!

This is why you don’t do headstands in wet cement!

All Of Man’s Worries Fly Out Window While Falling Down Stairs

 Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns


Austin— Admitting that it happened so out of the blue, that seemingly every single one of his major life problems flew out the window, local man and TGIFridays food prep, Barry Robbins near death encounter while falling down his apartment stairs distracted him enough momentarily to make him believe everything in his life was alright.

"For a second there I wasn’t going through a break up, I didn’t owe the bank $41,000, and I damn sure didn’t have small feet! " Robbins said of falling rapidly face-first down a flight of 19 concrete stairs Monday afternoon. "It was like all of that just went away, and all I could focus on was just trying not to die in front of my neighbors. That would’ve been embarrassing"

"And meanwhile, here I was about to go put in an overnight shift at TGIFridays, and all of a sudden it’s like, fuck I’m just trying to survive this," added Robbins.

Robbins admitted that if brief moments of ecstasy like that were the commonplace, he’d consider falling down the stairs more often.

Guy And Girl Deciding If They’re A ‘Chips Ahoy!’ Or ‘Oreos’ Couple

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns


Portland— Stating that it’s impossible to respect one another’s opinion when it comes to deciding which popular name brand cookies they will stock their cupboards with when they move in together later this month, local couple Beth Houston, 29, and Bradley Spaulding, 30, have spent the past two hours arguing their points.

"I love him to death, but I honestly don’t know that I can be with someone who prefers Chips Ahoy! to Oreos," Houston said of her long-term boyfriend, whose affinity for Chips Ahoy! cookies has caused a serious stir in the couple’s relationship. "Chips Ahoy! is just a cookie. That’s it. Plain and simple. You can’t twist it apart and lick the cream in the middle! And I’ve never heard anything about a Chips Ahoy! blizzard!"

"I can’t even imagine waking up in the middle of the night to get a snack, and being faced with a cupboard full of Chips Ahoy! I’d rather eat a rake," she added.

Although friends have suggested the couple stock their apartment with both brands, the couple fails to see how that could possibly work.

"It’s not that simple," Spaulding said dipping a Chips Ahoy! cookie into a tall glass of cold milk, "3.. 2… 1… it takes 5 seconds dipped in milk and a Chips Ahoy! cookie has absorbed enough milk, and become soft enough to enjoy every time. I’d have to wait another 6, 7 seconds with an Oreo. Who has time for that?"

At press time the couple was avoiding an argument about whether they would stock up on Cheerios or Toasted Oats.

Man Doesn’t Solve Any Of Crossword On 45 Minute Commute

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns


New York— Witnesses are confirming that 41-year-old gossip columnist Chris Bennet failed to solve even one of the ‘Across’ or ‘Down’ clues of the New York Times crossword puzzle on his 45 minute commute from Brooklyn to the Upper West Side of Manhattan, early Monday morning.

Several passengers aboard the Manhattan-bound C train watched over Bennet’s shoulder as the 41-year-old NYU graduate tensely stood tapping his pencil against his temple, struggling to come up with an answer to even the simplest of clues, including: A four letter word for the “Opposite of Right,” and a four letter word for “Yellow service cars in NYC.”

"That just embarassing, I’m no genius, but I think I would’ve had a couple before we crossed over into Manhattan," Bryan Henley said of Bennet’s humiliating feat, which took place in the presence of children who held back from offering clues to other simple questions like: A six letter for "Where Big Bird, Elmo, The Count live, _____ Street," and a five letter word for "Home is where the _____ is."

"Fucking Sesame Street for fucks sake, even I know that," Henley added moments later.

Witnesses stated that after Bennet exited the train he immediately went into a Barnes & Noble, and browsed the “Word Search,” puzzle books.

Roommate ‘Not Really Sure If You’re Into That Sort Of Thing’

Stephen Tompkins          @stphntmpkns

Chicago— Stating that he was hesitant to ask, because you guys are still kind of in that “getting to know you,” phase, roommate Josh Clements, 23, was unsure if he should ask you to go out with him and a group of friends Friday night, mainly because he isn’t really sure if you’re into that sort of thing.

"It’s like, I want Ryan to come out with us, but I really don’t know that much about him," Clements said of his roommate Ryan Jacobs, whom he has many a question about, since the two haven’t had much time to sit and have a heart-to-heart after moving in together last weekend.  "Do loud noises bother him, is he a sports fan, and is he okay with nudity around the apartment?" are just a few of the questions I’d like to ask him when given the chance.

"And since we’re going to be living together, I might as well let him know that I am okay with all of those things," he added.

Clements also noted that he’s afraid to ask if you’re a “take the garbage out the night before, eat in your bedroom, and sleep with each other’s girlfriends kinda guy” either, and has resorted to digging through your garbage to see if the products you purchase could give him any sort of glance into your psyche.

"I know that he uses unscented soap, eats wheat bread, and drinks orange juice, could he be anymore ambiguous?" Clements said. 

"I tried looking him up on Facebook, and Twitter, too, but he doesn’t have either of those. Is he more into Italian social networking? Or is he one of those ‘anti-technology,’ kinda guys? Clements said.

At press time Clements expressed concern over whether or not he should just move out and find an apartment by himself.